1932年，中国还被西方国家控制时，一个刚满十六岁的女孩遇到了不幸的事。 一头黑露露的长发，明亮的眼睛，精致的鼻子，和小小的嘴巴。她苗条的影子，吸引了旁人羡慕的目光。风一吹，她也仿佛一样的自由，活泼好像和风跳舞是的。 她出生在杭州里某某的小村，名字也蛮简单的，她叫小桃。当然，当她笑起来是笑容如桃子一样甜。
只是，这天，老天爷要以狠毒的方式折磨小桃。阳光普照，天上的白云非常稀少，人们都在市场纷纷的购物。你推我挤的，老妇人讨价还价，摊贩们大喊大叫，十分热闹。小桃在人海中，废了九牛二虎之力，终于逃出了人海。小桃这时选择在不熟悉的小路走回家。
狭窄的小路，有两个酒鬼发酒疯。蓬头垢面，连日苹果一样红，走路时一拐一拐的。两个好高大的洋人，手舞足蹈，手忙脚乱，又高声大喊粗话。小桃并不把这一幕放在眼里。这是一件司空见惯的事。
一刹那，两个酒鬼注意到了小桃，不听地骚扰她。一瞬间，两个家伙仆过去。这下，小桃可就馋了 。一个瘦小的女子这么能对付如野兽的酒鬼呢？
写得很好呀：）
ReplyDelete加油继续写，你会发现你写得比我好很多。
Cindy here;)
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ReplyDeleteOiiii 不要写我的名字！！！！！！！！
ReplyDeletehahahaha
ReplyDeleteMiss V ，“风一吹，她也仿佛一样的自由，活泼好像和风跳舞是的。”This sentence is grammatically wrong.My suggestion is you should change to “风一吹，她便像似与风跳舞，变得自由活泼似的。”Its not suppose to be“只是”it's suppose to be “可是”.“小桃这时选择在不熟悉的小路走回家。” should be "小桃这时选择用不熟悉的小路走回家。" “狭窄的小路，有两个酒鬼发酒疯。" should be “狭窄的小路，有两个发酒疯的酒鬼。”“手忙脚乱” use wrongly.It means that you are so busy that you flustered .“停” got typo.You type “听” “惨” also you type “馋” the pin yin you type is wrong anyway.Its "can" not "chan" and lastly it is not “这么” it is “怎么”
ReplyDeleteMy opinion for ur story is don't just try to stuff so many cheng yu or normal descriptive phrases that are normally in a zuo wen. To make your zuo wen unique, I suggest you could visualize the scene yourself and make an anology with the scene you see to something or another option would be describing it in a detailed way. The flow of the story seems a little weird but overall not bad.Work on your sentence structure.If you forgot who is this its your junior.And by looking at the comments you should know who is it already since I think there's only one junior that always criticize your chinese works.Haha. Good luck for O levels anyway.Study hard!Effort means nothing when the effort comes out with no results.:)
happy
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